Thursday, April 09, 2009

Fear of terror and anger at affluence during recession

I had this very strange dream last night. I'm sure News wasn't the last thing I watched before going to sleep. I only watched 2 very funny episodes of 'Friends' back to back on 2 different channels last night. Anyway, we are all standing behind an iron gate. There are terrorists on the other side, firing bullets from their AK-47s. A bullet brushes past my left shoulder. It would've hit me if I hadn't ducked in time. We then go hide in a movie theatre. I somehow seem to guiding people in there. I tell everyone to make note of their seat numbers (don't know why). Then, there's an usher appearing out of nowhere. I ask him about the emergency exit or something, he says, in a very polite tone, he will check and get back to me!!! I'm very angry.
Hubby and I are suddenly in a very upmarket pub. Lots of high society people hanging around there. There's this very well dressed lady (typical Page 3 type) holding a pitcher full of some exotic looking red coloured drink. I ask her what she's drinking. She says something. I ask her, "Why are you drinking such an expensive drink during this period?" She says "I don't care". I get very angry. I yell back "Yes you don't care. You don't care about the millions suffering around you. You don't care about the recession. I'm not asking you to give your money to charity. But atleast show some solidarity to your fellow humans. If you have excess money, why the hell do you show it off?" I'm not sure if this is exactly what I say but I clearly remember the word solidarity!!
Then my husband who is also angry with the snob, pulls the pitcher from the lady and crashes it on the floor. He says, "if all you want to do is to waste your money, here it is"!!!

What a strange dream.
Before you jump to any conclusions, let me clarify that by the grace of God, my family is comfortably placed as of today. I'm not jealous of the partying people. But I don't know why this strange dream....


The whole world seems so busy around me. I seem to have nothing to do. Baby is sleeping. Not much housework to do. Nothing on TV - it never interested me much anyway. The unread magazines are getting piled up in the corner - none seem to impress.
I think the boredom virus has crept into my system again. My boredom sagas used to be a family joke. Everyone is familiar with my "mummy i'm getting bored" line right since I was a little girl of 10. Why does this happen? Elder sister says its because I look for external elements to entertain me whereas i should be looking 'within'.
Freelance projects are coming in but I'm not able to take up any because of my baby. I'm not blaming her but she really needs me. I cannot as yet plan on anything. I cannot rush to the computer everytime she sleeps - there are other things to be done at that time.
Hubby is busy at work. No time for silly chats. Hate to be snubbed though I know that's not his intention - i would probably blame my fickle pride. I'm away in another town so can't really chat with my best friend coz we'd go on and on and on - scares me to think of the roaming charges on my as such expensive mobile phone connection.

I don't know if its because of this basic joblessness or what, i'm feeling low, irritated and touchy .

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Rantings of an indecisive Libran

Just thought I've got over the horrors of the C-section and its aftermath. Everything seemed to have settled down. And oh God! Its de ja vu. Had to go to the hospital again for a couple of days and I'm back home. Its the same damn story again. Anesthesia, pain, recovery and the worst thing - forced rest! Atleast the last time around, I got to bring home my wonderful bundle of joy but this time, its nothing but anxiety. Wondering what happened? I've been suffering from these terrible palpitations and blackouts for a long time now. I new I always had a weak heart from a romantic point of view but then never imagined it will be manifested physically too!! Anyway, some correction to be done in the heart and back I was in the hospital within an year of my childbirth!
Mom is here to take care of me and the baby - so glad am I to have a mother. But mum is not growing any younger. It feels so bad to see her run around this way. The last time baby was such a little angel but now she runs all over the place and gosh its so tiring. Poor mom. Plus my home is being very inconvenient for her. The stairs upto the bedroom are making her spondylytis problem worse. The doctor said I don't need any rest but looks like I definitely need some rest. Thanks to a bit of walking around the day I got back home from hospital, I had to run to the neighbourhood doc 'coz I got these terrible headaches. He said with this all I need is some 'rest'. Oh how I hate this word.
Mom is asking me to go home with her. Its going to be the same thing for her again. Me and the baby and the running around. Though I would love to, I have this kingsize guilt to deal with. If I'm here, I have to deal with the whole damn work myself - maintaining the house, taking care of the baby and myself too. Can't really depend on my in-laws. They are really sweet and nice yet, helath wise not great either. So... you see. But if I go, its going to be lots of work for mom. Poor thing how much can she stretch herself? AArgh....
To add to the trouble, there is this BIG urge to work. I want to write. There are lots of projects coming up. Its very tempting. But again the most hated 4 letter word - 'rest'. Pulling my hair out!
Should I stay put and manage myself,baby and home all by myself while I look for a house-help? Should I gracefully/gratefully accept help and trouble mummy?
Maybe I'll write out options on chits and pick them out...too silly? What if I don't like the option I pick out?
Hey you reader! Are you laughing at me... come join the club - I'm laughing at myself too!