Functioning Without Labels

 

I recently came across these terms: hetero-romantic-asexual, ethical polygamy, polyromantic, graysexual, demisexual… I was quite fascinated by this new-world jargon. Broadly put, these terms are for people who look at relationships differently, away from the formula. This is like a make-your-own-salad counter. There’s the salad leaf—you can add just tomato and zucchini; choose feta or cheddar or no cheese at all, and maybe throw in some egg if you really are up to it. Google up these terms to know what I mean. (No, not the salad recipes!)

So, you may ask, “Why complicate things?” I may say, “On the contrary, it is a step to simplify our complicated lives.” The above-listed thought patterns aren’t new. It’s just that the labels are. People have always tried to force-fit themselves into prescribed social notions, believing that is how they ought to live—almost like a sombre fictional dystopian society, the members on autopilot, blindly traversing from one role to another, unable to escape the loop out of fear of punishment.

I have always believed that humans are like butterflies—a million varieties, with two million hues, some frail, some monarchs, but each with its beauty. Of course, humans are famed to categorize everything but fortunately admire aberration in nature. The same aberration among themselves has never been understood, appreciated or acknowledged.

This is because of the generations of conditioning that frightens even those with strong personalities to step away from. 

Why label a pupa even before it hatches? We, humans, are programmed to follow notions of milestones, religion, gender, sexuality, and more, right from birth. These notions end up shaping us like wet clay in the hands of the potter-society. Every little break from the preset mould is tied with anxiety. Anxious to get the best education, the best job, the best possible partner, the best possible children and the wheel continues. This anxiety leads to panic, leaving us with no time to introspect. Who are you? Do you want to learn this? Do you want to do this job? Do you want to get married? What kind of relationship do you want? What is best for you? These questions never get asked or answered. Sometimes the mundane aspects can be worked around, like switching streams of education and careers, of course after a lot of heartache, confusion and misgivings. But sadly, no attention is paid to matters of the heart. This leaves us often in a maze of unmet and unresolved emotions, with rarely a workaround solution. Any expression of individual choices gets labelled as weird, selfish, amoral and illegal.

This brings me back to the question, “Why complicate things?” Yes, we have complicated our lives due to assumptions—“If Tom and Jane are happy with this arrangement, Harry and Joan should be happy too. If they aren’t, they must try harder.”

What if we step out of the societal and moral matrix? Chaos and anarchy, you fear? I don’t think so.

Wouldn’t the world be more like a large, peaceful garden of butterflies if we are allowed to pursue the flower that we like? And not pursue any flower at all, if we don’t want to. Tom, Harry, Jane and Joan should have the courage to find their own little gardens. 

We have brought ourselves to a position where we need to invent new labels for what is already safely ensconced in the hearts of thousands. One might think these labels will only help a small fraction of elitist urbanites in finding themselves. The rest of the world still struggles and will continue so for a few generations.

I say, label or no label we are who we are/what we are.

So what do we do? Basically, let people be who they are. Don’t change a thing. Simple, no?

All of us must stop for a while and breathe. Think for ourselves who we are and what we want. Sadly, it might be a little late for adults already caught in the wheel but I think we should be very conscious about passing down unnecessary mindsets. Time-sheets and log-books are for factories; formulae are for laboratories. Not our hearts. Let’s not force our lambs into herds and make more lambs. Let’s not trample the beauty of relationships with our presumptions and anxieties. All it takes is a bit of maturity, a bit of trust and oodles of respect. As long as we teach them to love themselves and not hurt another living being, our children are sure to discover the earth, on their own beautiful wings, without having to struggle with labels.           

Images: 

Fujishima Takeji (1867-1943), Butterflies (1904), Wikimedia Commons

colorful butterfly PNG Designed By 大洋 from Pngtree.com

Carpe Diem. Really.

Courtesy: Wikimedia Commons

Carpe diem (Sieze the day) is a concept that dates back to 23 BC and YOLO - You only live once. A concept that is fast catching up today.
People take up piano lessons. People go scuba diving or do bungee jumping. There are people who start travelling across the world. There are people who walk out of 'seemingly' perfect marriages.

Basically, people start living their dreams. They go and out do everything that they've been wanting to do all their lives because YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.

Well, it has been a much debated philosophy. While some people accept it and appreciate people who follow it, there are some that don't. Salsa and Spanish lessons or a one-off trip to Tibet often gets a tap on the back. But travelling all alone leaving behind a family, walking out of marriages back into singledom is frowned upon and even openly criticised. Such people are tagged as 'selfish'. Two recent articles that I read, come to my mind:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/11/04/divorce-in-your-40s-_n_6058130.html?ir=India
This article is about a woman who left home because marriage made no sense to her anymore. She wanted breathing space. She went ahead and did all the things she always wanted to do. She claims she is at peace with herself now.

http://www.afar.com/magazine/the-wanderer-the-story-of-an-american-who-left-home-and-never-came-back
This article is about a man who just wants to wander. He wanted to leave America but his wife didn't want to. So he left his wife and daughter and went away...to wander.

We have also heard of people giving up their cushy executive jobs to take up organic farming.

Back home many of us have heard atleast one story of a distant uncle who just left upped and left one fine morning to take up sanyas.

The society is quick to label these people selfish, irresponsible, foolish or just escapists. They say they have left their families to suffer, particularly the children. My question is weren't we all born individuals? Didn't marriage, kids and  top-jobs happen much later?

This is still a question I am thinking of and so I am not judging anyone or taking sides. (More than writing with an idea, I more often write to get ideas. :))

Right from childhood, a person is always told what to do. Right from when to eat, when to study, when to play, what to wear, right up to when to marry and when to have kids. Not just that, our decisions about most of these things are also influenced directly or indirectly by the people around us. We are raised with this fear of "take up the first and the best that comes your way." "Don't give up the present for an unknown future." So, all the time, people just jump into things - be it academics, marriage or career choices. Many of them somehow slip into their roles and settle in. But then there are a few who are never able to settle down in the paths chosen by them. So, what then?

While at this self-questioning juncture, they have nowhere to go because all they get as advice (solicited or unsolicited) is a shrug of the shoulders and an accusatory "You chose this path. You'd better stick to it." Or a philosophical "Its all destiny. Just go with the flow." That is where a person feels completely alone, with a numb-buzz around him.

While there is constant doubt about their own judgements, people also fear being judged. What will people say? Is it the right thing to do? I ask, who defines what is right and what is wrong? Each person has his own truth. What makes one happy might not make the other happy. For some, having two children might give the ultimate happiness even if it doesn't leave them any time to pursue their own interests. For some, owning a home might give the maximum joy, though they are trapped in the loan cycle for life. And for someone else, its not their definition of happiness.

Yes, it is a well-paying top executive job but what if a person is not happy doing it? What if his/her calling lies elsewhere? Yes, there are 15 years of marriage and 2 children behind them, abandoning isn't the intention but what if the person wants to travel, to explore the world and in the process do some self discovery? If living in a 'trapped' existence makes a person restless, what's the point in living as a family? Are you being fair to the family that way? Being there and yet not there is unfair in my opinion. I don't mean to stereotype but a man isn't an earning machine. Similarly a woman isn't a sacrificing angel. Beneath each person's adapted role, there is an individual still there, perhaps suppressed beyond the point of recognition, leaving both the body and the soul dull and grey.

I have heard and seen people throwing short-time suggestions like, "You don't have to leave home to learn Jiu Jitsu. You just need to balance out your day." A woman who leaves her kids for a couple of hours every evening to go for classes is labelled irresponsible. A man who does the same is labelled selfish. What is a person to do? You are paid more than a  lakh of rupees each month but you don't even have the time to stand and admire the sunrise. So, we have already stressed men and women stressing themselves further with packing every minute of the day with some activity or the other. This leads to a conflict between the subtle body and the physical body.

We are all human. Many of us make certain decisions due to some or the other kind of pressure (directly or indirectly). After taking the decision, what if we realise we actually need something else? I definitely don't think that is immaturity or frivolousness Does one have to essentially be in  a bad-job scenario or an abusive relationship to want to break free? What about wanting growth at a spiritual/emotional level?

There are possibly two things I can think of at this point. Put the decision off till a 'safe' time, perhaps when the children are settled or till you have saved up a decent amount of money for them? I don't know. Sometimes putting off decisions, gives you time to come to grips to what your true calling is. Make a plan maybe, for 5 years, 10 years?

More than anything I wish for at least our next generation to grow up with a free mind. I wish them to have enough time and mental space to think for themselves and understand themselves better. Nobody should be pressurised, even emotionally threatened, to do anything. Many European countries have a practice wherein children, after high school, are allowed time to travel, to work and then decide what their true calling is. I wish for a time when 14-year olds are not forced to 'plan' and prepare for what  they should be doing when they are 30. I wish for a generation that is raised to have a calm conviction about their own dreams and desires, to have the self-confidence to stand up to their own decisions. I definitely don't hint at anything violent or hurtful or abusive. In fact, respecting every person for an individual that he/she is, I am sure, will clear a lot of confusion in our society. Thereby, bringing a lot of the much-needed peace and calmness to this world.

Edit/Footnote: As for me I would definitely like to stand up to my own dreams sometime in my life without worrying about responsibilities. And without having to answer anybody but MY conscience.

Understanding Law, Life and Love: 377

There has been a lot of talk of the now famous number '377' and the lashing taken out on Judges and the Supreme Court and even on India in general.

I am worried about this frenzy that (social) media creates in our lives today. Not many of us often know the real picture. So I had a talk with Arun Arnala about all this brouhaha. I read a major part of the judgement along with him and understood for myself what it is all about. Arun was gracious enough to explain the legalese.
From what I understand, Section 377 is a law that was made more than 100 years ago to protect victims of homosexual/sexual violence through abnormal acts.This is a good law in general. But the problem lies in the fact that it does not mention anywhere point blank that homosexual orientation itself is an offence. It is obvious because such things were unheard of, rather unspoken a 100 years ago. Why, no one wants to talk about it after all these years too!

So, we definitely need a change but it has be made in the Parliament, by way of an amendment. That is the way our constitution works. Scrapping 377 itself is dangerous and not correct, what with the crime rate on an upswing in recent times.

Well, what I wish the SC could have done is, it could have probably passed an interim order (?) saying consensual acts of homosexuality is not a crime by itself. Thus, clearing the misunderstanding about homosexuality in the minds of the average Indian. And the SC could have also given a time period to the Government of India to amend the Section. Well, I am really not sure of the powers of Judiciary vis a vis the Government of India.

Now it is for us to get the politicians to get moving and thinking about the country and not just the elections. Till then, can I request my Indian friends not to insult our country or its people in public forums please? Every country, just like every family has its own idiosyncrasies and ways of functioning. If our country has come this far, it can go further too. Keep the faith.