Rantings of an indecisive Libran

Just thought I've got over the horrors of the C-section and its aftermath. Everything seemed to have settled down. And oh God! Its de ja vu. Had to go to the hospital again for a couple of days and I'm back home. Its the same damn story again. Anesthesia, pain, recovery and the worst thing - forced rest! Atleast the last time around, I got to bring home my wonderful bundle of joy but this time, its nothing but anxiety. Wondering what happened? I've been suffering from these terrible palpitations and blackouts for a long time now. I new I always had a weak heart from a romantic point of view but then never imagined it will be manifested physically too!! Anyway, some correction to be done in the heart and back I was in the hospital within an year of my childbirth!
Mom is here to take care of me and the baby - so glad am I to have a mother. But mum is not growing any younger. It feels so bad to see her run around this way. The last time baby was such a little angel but now she runs all over the place and gosh its so tiring. Poor mom. Plus my home is being very inconvenient for her. The stairs upto the bedroom are making her spondylytis problem worse. The doctor said I don't need any rest but looks like I definitely need some rest. Thanks to a bit of walking around the day I got back home from hospital, I had to run to the neighbourhood doc 'coz I got these terrible headaches. He said with this all I need is some 'rest'. Oh how I hate this word.
Mom is asking me to go home with her. Its going to be the same thing for her again. Me and the baby and the running around. Though I would love to, I have this kingsize guilt to deal with. If I'm here, I have to deal with the whole damn work myself - maintaining the house, taking care of the baby and myself too. Can't really depend on my in-laws. They are really sweet and nice yet, helath wise not great either. So... you see. But if I go, its going to be lots of work for mom. Poor thing how much can she stretch herself? AArgh....
To add to the trouble, there is this BIG urge to work. I want to write. There are lots of projects coming up. Its very tempting. But again the most hated 4 letter word - 'rest'. Pulling my hair out!
Should I stay put and manage myself,baby and home all by myself while I look for a house-help? Should I gracefully/gratefully accept help and trouble mummy?
Maybe I'll write out options on chits and pick them out...too silly? What if I don't like the option I pick out?
Hey you reader! Are you laughing at me... come join the club - I'm laughing at myself too!

Life still has its strangest ways

Progress they say is always good. But sometimes I don't know...
Strange? Look at this story:
All she ever longed for was for a glimpse, perhaps a tiny conversation. That was enough to make her day or perhaps a week! Big crush.

Stage 1: Eyes meet. There was magic. Sweet nothings to match. Tender feelings. He felt the same way she felt for him. Tears.

Stage 2: They hold hands - Wow! what a simple, yet good feeling. She honestly was very happy and didn't look for more. Flirtations. More serious discussions. Protests. Fights. Fear. Arguments. Fun talk. Tears. Long emails. Stolen phone calls. SMSes (sweet secret messages). Butterflies in the stomach. Getting emotionally close. She felt good. She felt needed. She felt important. Probably one of the most memorable period of her life.

Stage 3: Getting physically close - less control. Less communication. Emotion only from her.

Stage 4: Have got physically close - No control. No communication. Emotion only from her.

Having progressed so much, he is happy but she is secretly hoping to go back two steps to #2. Maybe a mix of the good parts of all stages...? That would be so picture perfect! Did someone say Life is not perfect?

PS: Please let me know if you have any ideas about how I can continue this story, can I develop it into a novel or short story?

true love

I've always claimed to be a die-hard romantic. But today, I'm looking at love with a new perspective.

Is there really something called true love. can 2 people really love each other uncoditionally? Its been ages since I've come across anything like that. I see people being in a relationship because they gain something out of it - it could something as big as power, money, fame or something as simple as attention. (Now, now, is attention something simple?) Let me not digress. Yes, so if I'm not getting any of the things in my list anymore don't I love that person any more?

What is love? what does the dictionary say? Didn't look it up but I'm sure its something got to do with affection, liking etc. Why do we like something? because it brings some kind of happiness or joy to our mind. Take a piece of music for example. The high chords, the harmony, the lyrics - each of these or all of these put together might make us happy. We feel like listening to that piece of music again and again. And how many ever times we listen to it, we don't get bored. But sometimes, we out grow our own tastes in music. There might be something more new. So we start listening to that. When we come across that old favorite of ours, we still feel nostalgic and smile to ourselves. But the same craze isn't there anymore. At that point in our lives, we might have said - I love the "carpenters", I love "beatles", I love "micheal jackson". We don't put up their posters in our rooms any more. Don't collect their trivia. But will still not skip the channel when we see them playing on Classic MTV. But do you think we can listen to them all day and night? 7 days a week? Don't think so.

Boy! what a huge analogy! (music being one of the main sources of my existence, I just got carried away). You anyway get the picture. Right?

So does that happen to romantic love? It does sometimes I guess. You just outgrow that person. What you get out of that relationship might not have changed but YOU have changed. Your expectations out of life have changed. Your perspectives have changed and so have your priorities. Do you stop loving a person because certain needs are not there any more. There are new needs. The rebellious New Kids on the block doesn't appeal to you anymore. The Buddha Bar is what you need to soothe your senses.

So, there is actually nothing like unconditional - there's some need fulfillment at some level - the obvious or sublime. Once the need is not fulfilled anymore, does love disappear? One woman might love a man because he gives her a whole lot of attention. Tomorrow he might become a successful business tycoon and might not be able to give her that kind of attention. So? She doesn't love him anymore? Another woman starts seeing a man because he is bold enough to express his lust for her. The lust bit gets too boring and she seeks emotional bonding. She doesn't find it. She stops seeing this man.

But not all relationships are like old records to be put away in the last drawer and pull them out in times of nostalgic emergencies. You have to live with them. They can't change with time. So how do you nurture and make the relationship grow? How do you create a "5th symphony" that gets you excited every time you listen to it? Create a certain aura of joy around the person, the relationship, as if that's the best thing that happen to you....? How do you do that? Pretend as if everything's nice and fine? Ignore the scratches on the CD, skip those portions and start swimming in the music again? Is that possible at all?

Thing is, where relationships are concerned especially the romantic ones, there is no guarantee that the next one is going to be better than the present one. We all need romantic relationships. So, are we ready to take the risk or remain in the safe mode? The relationship that I am in now, is not causing me any harm. My baisc needs are fulfilled - maybe not at an emotional or an intellectual level. But this is a safe relationship that I am in. So, I'd better stick to it. Is this the way most people think? One can listen to pop, R&B, country and classical at the same time but cannot have multiple relationships - a) they can't handle it and b) society does not allow it!!! period :)

So what does one ultimately do? Operate on the safe mode. This is what is my solution as of today. Love or no love, just go with the flow.

I know that once I find an exit gate in a relationship, I will not hesitate to find many more such exit gates. Where's the end then?

PS: I'm neither previewing this nor am I doing a spell check because I believe that our thoughts don't have any of these functions. And my blog is just to express those thoughts right from the cauldron!!

oh my god!

Its been so long since I wrote anything here, I even forgot the user name and password!! I recovered it after a few attempts. Good. I'm glad to be back here.

Life has its strangest ways

Don't ask me if this is fact or fiction - just read on:

I wanted to thoroughly get drenched in the rain. I wanted the stinging ice cold drops of water give me the famed "100 lashes" - maybe that would purge my mind of all thoughts. I looked at the tree standing next to me, strong, with all its leaves green and glowing - I want to be like that one.

I've always known Life to have the strangest sense of timing. Here I am, stuck between Head and Heart, not knowing which one to support. Finally when I am happy that Head won the battle and freed me from all unsuitable "romantic" ideas about him, that very guy comes up with the most unexpected news - like a bolt of thunder. "Don't know why but I am getting terribly attracted towards you. I think I am developing special feelings for you". Come on, what does one do?

All these years, I've felt bad that there has been no mutual feelings of love or atleast romance between me and another person. Except of course when I got married (well that was arranged but I truly love my husband. That's an entirely different thing altogether). Anyway, its gone and happened now, when the timing is all wrong. Its not fair. Especially for a romantic person like me. ITS JUST NOT FAIR. Why the hell should two married people get attracted towards each other?

Again the two born rivals start an argument and Head wins as usual. It tells Heart to stop feeling bad for everybody on earth. Head convinces Heart to relax because everything will be normal very soon. He is a man after all and he will get over it. Heart agrees - but has one request, please let her be kind and patient with him and herself too. Head reluctantly says okay. Heart thanks Head for sorting out the problem cleverly. Head blushes for the first time in history!

Everybody goes back to where they belong. Life goes on.

I look at that tree and we both shared a secret smile!

PS: Most of the stories you read here, on my blog are 'purely fictional' unless specified otherwise!

Hey I found something

I was going through my old collection of thoughts that I had penned down and came across this. This is part of something I wrote a few years back. I wanted to put it here to save it here forever. Not a great piece of writing but its interesting to see how a girl thinks at every stage of life. So here it is:
Life in a typical Middle Class Urban family is really strange. In an 'in between' situation in many respects. Especially where life style and values are concerned. The thoughts are getting modern and advanced but the basic values are very difficult to change. This is very good in a way.
People might become smart but never lose their ethics. They might become broad minded but the morals are more or less intact. This is very common particularly with the youngsters today. Many of them are quite sure about what they want in life. They are getting more practical in their approach to life. They can take care of themselves and survive.
Now the seniors, who have been through 2-3 decades of tough life, who have seen a couple of generations go past them. While they want to give freedom to their children, they are worried about the outcome of such freedom. But if they don't give them the space, they are again worried that they youngsters would feel offended and hurt. Some of them come half way through - this is mostly perceived by the juniors as unhappiness. Then start arguments and unpleasant scenes. I should tell you there are even some parents who would want to avoid arguments with their children for various reasons. These are the kind who would give their children all the freedom and either sit and worry or just leave the rest to destiny!

Long time no write

Hmm... its been a real, real long time since I wrote anything at all. Why? Here's my favorite excuse - "No time" :)
I would say there's a lot that's been happening and lot more that's not. Well, all's well so far. Touchwood.

Good yesterdays. Nice todays. Hopeful tomorrows....

I should write - I need to write - I have so much to say. Will I be able to? I wonder