Miss my radio

Do you know the feeling when something in your head suddenly tells you to switch on some music? I heard that voice and went to my CD collection (not that I have huge one). Most of the CDs looked old and boring. Some of them were scratched, thanks to the naughty little brat at home. I finally found "Hits of Gulzar" and realized the player isn't working well :( Very frustrating situation right?

I also have not been listening to any good music recently. All I get to listen to is "Kaadhal

Anukkal"on repeat mode or some other Endhiran song. That's what my darling daughter is hooked on to of late (thank god for that...last year it was "Love me love me"from that Salman Khan movie - Wanted! eesh imagine having to bear that on repeat mode")

Or I listen to something on the Internet while working. Some random collections from somewhere. Point is I don't have the time to search, download and listen.Or even search for online players. Being a work from home mom, I need to complete work ASAP to get back to other chores.

I don't enjoy listening to FM Radio anymore. The same old (new) Tamil songs - which can numb your brain sometimes! God spare me from those screeching "RJs" with a sense of humour that is worse than their terrible accents. Chennai Live is good coz it plays English music, which no other channel plays. Aha FM I think is the only channel that plays Hindi songs, that too just f0r an hour in the evenings and that is 'Prime time' at home - finishing work, getting dinner ready, trying to entertain the tired and bored toddler.... sigh...lets talk about that another day! Now don't take me for a snob who only claims to like English and Hindi music. I am very much a Madras ponnu and appreciate anyone from Ilayaraja to AR Rahman to even Imman and Dharan - if the music is good. I would love to have a channel where they play a random selection of English, Hindi and Tamil Music.

The first time I heard commercial FM radio was in Bangalore, way back in 2000-2001. It was so much fun and I got so excited. I remember Radio City would play all kinds of music in the same slot. I remember Radio City played good English music in the mornings when they launched in Chennai, with Craig playing the RJ. Then they thought of this stupid survey and scrapped the morning slot and eventually the late night slot of English music. Oh damn the commercialism! I guess even in Bangalore Radio City now plays a lot of Kannada and some Hindi music! Well, well...

I miss my Vividh Bharati days! I was so hooked to the Radio. I knew the exact timings of each programme. The montage music of Ungal Viruppam meant it was time to leave home just in time to catch the 8:20 A10. Holidays were fun. 1:30 would be Aapki Farmaayish. Lok Sangeeth at 3 was study time or nap time. And then Ungal Viruppam again, 7:00 pm - songs requested by the 'Fauji Bhais", perhaps a play at 8:30 - Hava Mahal and sadly all of the lovely Hindi songs would end at 11 pm with Chaya geet. I would then move over to Madras A station, where they would play lovely Ilayaraja songs - mostly Mike Mohan's senti stuff - I remember my mum, my sis and myself going off to sleep listening to them. Someone would wake up and switch off the radio when they heard the Beeeeeep indicating the close of the station. Can you believe it? Programmes would actually end at a point and the stations would be closed - which is an unimaginable thing during these days of 24 hr radio, 24 hr TV, 24 hr coffee shops and 24 hr what not? (don't people sleep?)

An energetic day would start with a peaceful Vande Mataram followed by sleepy but comforting renderings of Tamil, English, Hindi and Sanskrit news - always in that order if I remember. Yes, there were the Telugu and Urdu news services too! Then there was a programme based on Raagas and their use in Film music, then 15 mins of devotional music.

And oh! there was the Madras B station too - for all the budding 'Western music' fans. We didn't mind the same old songs being repeated every thursday and saturday on Listener's choice - there was Jim Reeves, John Denver sharing space with the up and coming Wham, Michael Jackson and Madonna. "They also played lovely symphonies and pieces in the western classical music programmes. Our innocent eyes sparkled with excitement and wonder at such lovely music being made in some other part of the world.

We even listened to Ceylon Radio on the short wave band. Ah the crackle of the radio, when we have almost reached the exact point when there is the sharpest clarity! How exciting that would be! I even remember liking this Arabic Radio station (so we thought) that played such exotic sounding stuff.

Agenda for the week: Get music player fixed - particularly the radio!

Social networking or networking between I,me and myself?

How many you have felt depressed after a session of Facebook? I am sure there are a lot of you around. I have been on Facebook for almost an year now and I have felt that way more than once. I am not ashamed about lying about me true feelings.

Facebook, Orkut and the likes are said to be 'social networking sites' but I see them as more of a space for advertising personal triumphs. Wow! look at me...i'm having such a great time with my family. wow! look at me, I am excelling at work! wow! look at me..I'm having a dream holiday. Wow look at me I have found happiness in greener pastures...look at you still rotting in the same place where I left you!!!

I just cannot get over status messages that go "having a fantastic weekend with hubby, baby and dog". I've tried to imitate such messages too but haven't been very successful.

Well, great! Good for you my dear friend - I'm happy that you are happy. What's the social networking about then if you are so obsessed with your self? Don't know...the purpose and meanings of things perhaps evolve and change with time.

See blogging is a different thing - I have seen Blogs being put to great use to share thoughts and ideas. But I am yet to figure out what this FB is all about. No. I have no plans of quitting right now.

Another thing I feel about FB is that you search and search for a dear long lost friend and even find them on FB. And then what do you do with them? You ask them their whereabouts, family, profession etc and you give them all your info. Then what happens? Can any one shed light on this? Maybe I am ignorant about how effectively one can use FB.

Fear of terror and anger at affluence during recession

I had this very strange dream last night. I'm sure News wasn't the last thing I watched before going to sleep. I only watched 2 very funny episodes of 'Friends' back to back on 2 different channels last night. Anyway, we are all standing behind an iron gate. There are terrorists on the other side, firing bullets from their AK-47s. A bullet brushes past my left shoulder. It would've hit me if I hadn't ducked in time. We then go hide in a movie theatre. I somehow seem to guiding people in there. I tell everyone to make note of their seat numbers (don't know why). Then, there's an usher appearing out of nowhere. I ask him about the emergency exit or something, he says, in a very polite tone, he will check and get back to me!!! I'm very angry.
Hubby and I are suddenly in a very upmarket pub. Lots of high society people hanging around there. There's this very well dressed lady (typical Page 3 type) holding a pitcher full of some exotic looking red coloured drink. I ask her what she's drinking. She says something. I ask her, "Why are you drinking such an expensive drink during this period?" She says "I don't care". I get very angry. I yell back "Yes you don't care. You don't care about the millions suffering around you. You don't care about the recession. I'm not asking you to give your money to charity. But atleast show some solidarity to your fellow humans. If you have excess money, why the hell do you show it off?" I'm not sure if this is exactly what I say but I clearly remember the word solidarity!!
Then my husband who is also angry with the snob, pulls the pitcher from the lady and crashes it on the floor. He says, "if all you want to do is to waste your money, here it is"!!!

What a strange dream.
Before you jump to any conclusions, let me clarify that by the grace of God, my family is comfortably placed as of today. I'm not jealous of the partying people. But I don't know why this strange dream....

Boredom

The whole world seems so busy around me. I seem to have nothing to do. Baby is sleeping. Not much housework to do. Nothing on TV - it never interested me much anyway. The unread magazines are getting piled up in the corner - none seem to impress.
I think the boredom virus has crept into my system again. My boredom sagas used to be a family joke. Everyone is familiar with my "mummy i'm getting bored" line right since I was a little girl of 10. Why does this happen? Elder sister says its because I look for external elements to entertain me whereas i should be looking 'within'.
Freelance projects are coming in but I'm not able to take up any because of my baby. I'm not blaming her but she really needs me. I cannot as yet plan on anything. I cannot rush to the computer everytime she sleeps - there are other things to be done at that time.
Hubby is busy at work. No time for silly chats. Hate to be snubbed though I know that's not his intention - i would probably blame my fickle pride. I'm away in another town so can't really chat with my best friend coz we'd go on and on and on - scares me to think of the roaming charges on my as such expensive mobile phone connection.

I don't know if its because of this basic joblessness or what, i'm feeling low, irritated and touchy .

Rantings of an indecisive Libran

Just thought I've got over the horrors of the C-section and its aftermath. Everything seemed to have settled down. And oh God! Its de ja vu. Had to go to the hospital again for a couple of days and I'm back home. Its the same damn story again. Anesthesia, pain, recovery and the worst thing - forced rest! Atleast the last time around, I got to bring home my wonderful bundle of joy but this time, its nothing but anxiety. Wondering what happened? I've been suffering from these terrible palpitations and blackouts for a long time now. I new I always had a weak heart from a romantic point of view but then never imagined it will be manifested physically too!! Anyway, some correction to be done in the heart and back I was in the hospital within an year of my childbirth!
Mom is here to take care of me and the baby - so glad am I to have a mother. But mum is not growing any younger. It feels so bad to see her run around this way. The last time baby was such a little angel but now she runs all over the place and gosh its so tiring. Poor mom. Plus my home is being very inconvenient for her. The stairs upto the bedroom are making her spondylytis problem worse. The doctor said I don't need any rest but looks like I definitely need some rest. Thanks to a bit of walking around the day I got back home from hospital, I had to run to the neighbourhood doc 'coz I got these terrible headaches. He said with this all I need is some 'rest'. Oh how I hate this word.
Mom is asking me to go home with her. Its going to be the same thing for her again. Me and the baby and the running around. Though I would love to, I have this kingsize guilt to deal with. If I'm here, I have to deal with the whole damn work myself - maintaining the house, taking care of the baby and myself too. Can't really depend on my in-laws. They are really sweet and nice yet, helath wise not great either. So... you see. But if I go, its going to be lots of work for mom. Poor thing how much can she stretch herself? AArgh....
To add to the trouble, there is this BIG urge to work. I want to write. There are lots of projects coming up. Its very tempting. But again the most hated 4 letter word - 'rest'. Pulling my hair out!
Should I stay put and manage myself,baby and home all by myself while I look for a house-help? Should I gracefully/gratefully accept help and trouble mummy?
Maybe I'll write out options on chits and pick them out...too silly? What if I don't like the option I pick out?
Hey you reader! Are you laughing at me... come join the club - I'm laughing at myself too!

Life still has its strangest ways

Progress they say is always good. But sometimes I don't know...
Strange? Look at this story:
All she ever longed for was for a glimpse, perhaps a tiny conversation. That was enough to make her day or perhaps a week! Big crush.

Stage 1: Eyes meet. There was magic. Sweet nothings to match. Tender feelings. He felt the same way she felt for him. Tears.

Stage 2: They hold hands - Wow! what a simple, yet good feeling. She honestly was very happy and didn't look for more. Flirtations. More serious discussions. Protests. Fights. Fear. Arguments. Fun talk. Tears. Long emails. Stolen phone calls. SMSes (sweet secret messages). Butterflies in the stomach. Getting emotionally close. She felt good. She felt needed. She felt important. Probably one of the most memorable period of her life.

Stage 3: Getting physically close - less control. Less communication. Emotion only from her.

Stage 4: Have got physically close - No control. No communication. Emotion only from her.

Having progressed so much, he is happy but she is secretly hoping to go back two steps to #2. Maybe a mix of the good parts of all stages...? That would be so picture perfect! Did someone say Life is not perfect?

PS: Please let me know if you have any ideas about how I can continue this story, can I develop it into a novel or short story?

true love

I've always claimed to be a die-hard romantic. But today, I'm looking at love with a new perspective.

Is there really something called true love. can 2 people really love each other uncoditionally? Its been ages since I've come across anything like that. I see people being in a relationship because they gain something out of it - it could something as big as power, money, fame or something as simple as attention. (Now, now, is attention something simple?) Let me not digress. Yes, so if I'm not getting any of the things in my list anymore don't I love that person any more?

What is love? what does the dictionary say? Didn't look it up but I'm sure its something got to do with affection, liking etc. Why do we like something? because it brings some kind of happiness or joy to our mind. Take a piece of music for example. The high chords, the harmony, the lyrics - each of these or all of these put together might make us happy. We feel like listening to that piece of music again and again. And how many ever times we listen to it, we don't get bored. But sometimes, we out grow our own tastes in music. There might be something more new. So we start listening to that. When we come across that old favorite of ours, we still feel nostalgic and smile to ourselves. But the same craze isn't there anymore. At that point in our lives, we might have said - I love the "carpenters", I love "beatles", I love "micheal jackson". We don't put up their posters in our rooms any more. Don't collect their trivia. But will still not skip the channel when we see them playing on Classic MTV. But do you think we can listen to them all day and night? 7 days a week? Don't think so.

Boy! what a huge analogy! (music being one of the main sources of my existence, I just got carried away). You anyway get the picture. Right?

So does that happen to romantic love? It does sometimes I guess. You just outgrow that person. What you get out of that relationship might not have changed but YOU have changed. Your expectations out of life have changed. Your perspectives have changed and so have your priorities. Do you stop loving a person because certain needs are not there any more. There are new needs. The rebellious New Kids on the block doesn't appeal to you anymore. The Buddha Bar is what you need to soothe your senses.

So, there is actually nothing like unconditional - there's some need fulfillment at some level - the obvious or sublime. Once the need is not fulfilled anymore, does love disappear? One woman might love a man because he gives her a whole lot of attention. Tomorrow he might become a successful business tycoon and might not be able to give her that kind of attention. So? She doesn't love him anymore? Another woman starts seeing a man because he is bold enough to express his lust for her. The lust bit gets too boring and she seeks emotional bonding. She doesn't find it. She stops seeing this man.

But not all relationships are like old records to be put away in the last drawer and pull them out in times of nostalgic emergencies. You have to live with them. They can't change with time. So how do you nurture and make the relationship grow? How do you create a "5th symphony" that gets you excited every time you listen to it? Create a certain aura of joy around the person, the relationship, as if that's the best thing that happen to you....? How do you do that? Pretend as if everything's nice and fine? Ignore the scratches on the CD, skip those portions and start swimming in the music again? Is that possible at all?

Thing is, where relationships are concerned especially the romantic ones, there is no guarantee that the next one is going to be better than the present one. We all need romantic relationships. So, are we ready to take the risk or remain in the safe mode? The relationship that I am in now, is not causing me any harm. My baisc needs are fulfilled - maybe not at an emotional or an intellectual level. But this is a safe relationship that I am in. So, I'd better stick to it. Is this the way most people think? One can listen to pop, R&B, country and classical at the same time but cannot have multiple relationships - a) they can't handle it and b) society does not allow it!!! period :)

So what does one ultimately do? Operate on the safe mode. This is what is my solution as of today. Love or no love, just go with the flow.

I know that once I find an exit gate in a relationship, I will not hesitate to find many more such exit gates. Where's the end then?

PS: I'm neither previewing this nor am I doing a spell check because I believe that our thoughts don't have any of these functions. And my blog is just to express those thoughts right from the cauldron!!